When things aren’t going well (and lately, things seem to be awful), I clam up. I keep it all inside, and the thoughts pound my brain like a hammer and burn in my stomach like acid. I don’t want to talk about it because I know talking about it will only make me more upset. And if I do talk to someone about it, I feel like I’m bringing them down with me. Misery loves company, so they say. Then I feel bad for making them feel bad, and it’s just a vicious cycle. So, being the independent person I am, I suppose I’d rather suffer on my own than to make someone else feel bad, too, and that’s why I’m quiet.
The last time I started a post like this, I ended by counting my blessings. I’m not going to whine and cry that it’s not fair that all of these bad things are happening to me, but don’t count on a happy ending this time. Nothing is fair. I know this for a fact. And while it might sound pessimistic, the reality is that I’ve had to learn to expect less. Lowered expectations mean I wasn’t surprised when my car broke down again after spending quite a bit of money to fix it. I wasn’t surprised to find my cable and wifi out again after making time to meet a technician to repair it.
In Matthew Quick’s The Good Luck of Right Now, the main character’s mother describes luck as an ebb and flow: when something bad happened to her, it meant something good was happening to someone else and vice versa, and that balance is central to her existence. If this theory is correct, then I feel like some really positive karma is on the horizon. (Some friends have suggested that I ought to buy a lottery ticket because I’m due for some good luck!)
I know I’ll get back on my feet soon, and things will return (somewhat) to normal. And I know that I’ll get knocked down again in the future, and things will look bleak. There’s that vicious cycle. I’ll keep my expectations low for now–maybe I’ll be met with a pleasant surprise at some point.
In lieu of the happy ending, I offer these three songs that have been running through my head lately.